It really is no wonder to me that I love portraits of the Savior. I love Him with all my heart, and as I have shared in previous posts, I am increasing in understanding of the need to fully rely on Him. He is an important part of who I am, and thus, I feel a deep emotional need to know my Savior.
I was in a church meeting about a month ago, when one of the sisters who was speaking, boldly proclaimed, (and I don't recall her exact words, so this is my version of her expression), "I want a picture of the Savior in every room of my house. I want my walls plastered with His image so that the Adversary feels extremely uncomfortable."
That really resonated with me. I recognized in that moment; that is what I want.
It has been ten months since tragic events unfolded that led to the dissolution of my marriage. Though I won't go into detail on here, I know that most who read this blog know the circumstances surrounding the situation, and know that it has been a very difficult process for our whole family. I only bring it up, because I have had special witness of the love that Jesus Christ has for me, that directly relates to this situation.
I mentioned it briefly last week in my post, He is Risen, but I would like to share in more detail, in the hopes that it touches your heart in some way. It is a very personal moment, but I have an overwhelming feeling of the need to share.
A few weeks after our separation, our daughters went to spend time with their father. I was unsure of how I would get through our time apart, seeing as I devoted every minute of every day to them; to fulfilling their needs; to connecting and bonding with them; to teaching them; to learning from them. There are very few instances I could recall, of being separated from them. For the last several years, my needs had revolved around their needs. My world had revolved around them.
When they left, I felt the stinging pain of sorrow. I promised myself that I would keep busy to avoid thinking about how much I missed them. I knew it would be devastating for me to sit and dwell on it.
Instead, I found myself staring blankly; my mind racing with thoughts of my sweet daughters. Thinking of what it must be like for them; wondering if this new found situation would rip us apart, or if it would bring us closer together.
My mind swirled with many other thoughts, (which are much more personal), and the weight of it all pressed down until it made me collapse. I sat on the couch, slumped over in agony. The tears came quickly; I was sobbing uncontrollably. I asked my Father in Heaven "why?". "Why is this happening to my family?"
I felt such overwhelming grief that it caused me physical pain. I felt like my body was ready to shutdown. My head throbbed, my heart pounded; every bone in my body seemed to ache, and I felt a pain in the pit of my stomach that caused me to weep.
It was the first time in my life I had ever felt this way. On top of the physical feelings I was experiencing, my spirit was in pain as well. It seemed the cries that escaped me were from the very depths of my soul. My spirit was experiencing this mortal sorrow and every fiber of me yearned to be free from it.
It was at that moment that something truly amazing happened; I felt arms embracing me. I did not feel an instant sense of relief, but rather, felt the weight of everything lift, just a little. It did not go away; it was still there.
The pain was not gone; but in that loving embrace, I felt reassurance; I felt security. I could not deny that there was someone who knew my pain. That He grieved with me. There was no way I could deny that my Savior was with me.
I have never had such a powerful spiritual, as well as physical display of affection from the Lord. It didn't last long; just long enough for me to know that He was listening, and that He truly knew what I was experiencing. Just long enough for me to know that I was safe in His loving arms.
It strengthened my testimony of the Savior, and the pains He endured in Gethsemane. It strengthened my belief in the power of the Atonement.
In His arms I find strength; I find comfort; I find safety; I find understanding; I find love. I know He is watching over me, and my family, as we go through these painful trials. It helps me to understand that we do not walk this path alone.
Going back to the beginning of this post and why I chose to share this experience; I want to share with you a work of art that I came across yesterday.
I was at Deseret Book browsing through the artwork when I came across this beautiful portrait done by an artist named David Bowman. It is entitled "Security", and you can find his description of it on his site by clicking this link: Expressions of Christ: "Security".
I turned the print over to look at the sticker; $9.95. My heart leaped with joy because I knew I could afford that. Someday I hope to be able to purchase a larger version of it, but for now, I am content with the beautiful 8x10 that will be on my wall very soon.
The reason it means so much to me is not because it displays the exact scene of my experience, but that it conveys what I felt, perfectly. I can see myself in that little girl; I also see my own daughters. I think of how many times the Lord has held each of us, to give us that security when we need it most; to calm our troubled hearts. He is there for us at all times, and He offers security beyond measure. We only need trust in Him.
I have shed many tears, and feel ever-grateful for the security the Lord provides for me in the tumult of this mortal life. Thank you for letting me share this testimony with you.
Love,
-H.M.-
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